MartialHorror’s Top 12 movies that he would torture by forcing them to watch themselves!

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So if you read my list of movies in 2015 that I had carnal relationships with (!!), you should know that I found 2015 to be a very middling year for cinema- at least when it came to what I watched. ‘Nostalgia’ was the yearly theme and while this elevated some great movies (“Mad Max: Fury Road“), it kept others from achieving their full potential (“Jurassic World“). But I’d still say there were a lot of good films, even if the amount of great ones seemed limited to the arthouse audience. I only loved eight movies, which I had planned on calling MartialHorror’s “Hateful Eight of 2015 that he actually loved“, except this backfired when 2015’s best started killing each-other off one by one within my mind, depleting this years roster of exceptional flicks. The culprit was ultimately revealed to be “Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2“, who had been hiding within my list the entire time, even though I hadn’t even seen the damn movie. While this was going on, an army of bad movies marched upon my list, ready to f@ck shit up with their suckitude and they have an advantage of numbers. Yeah, I saw a lot of garbage this year. But I also had moments of clarity and wisdom, keeping my distance from turds that would surely make ‘my worst of 2015’ list if I had the suicidal courage to face them. The most notable of these examples include the following-

A whole lot of NOPE

  • The Boy Next Door
  • Fifty Shades of Grey
  • Unfinished Business
  • The Divergent Series: Insurgent
  • Any Religion themed movie
  • Any Adam Sandler/Happy Madison production
  • Hot Pursuit
  • Human Centipede 3
  • Aloha
  • Entourage
  • The Gallows
  • Hitman: Agent 47
  • Sinister 2
  • We are Your Friends
  • Vacation
  • Rock the Kasbah
  • Pan
  • Point Break

I might watch at least some of these movies in the future, particularly those belonging within the horror genre and it’s possible I might even disagree with the masses and enjoy them. But for now, my eyes and ears were spared from clumsy Christian Propaganda, shitty sequels to movies that were often shitty to begin with (and in some cases, contained actual shitting) and bad Adam Sandler movies (AKA: Adam Sandler movies). There will also likely be turds that I did not see coming, just as 2014 provided the shockingly dull “Maleficent“, which only evaded my list because I watched the movie after I had posted my ‘Worst Films of 2014’ online. But the following I DID experience and some of these entries I predicted would be terrible, while others genuinely surprised me. I am also including ‘direct-to-DVD’ releases, but I am not officially numbering them (it’s unfair to compare micro-budgeted crap to crappy major productions)  as much as I am just placing them where they would go if I did. I was debating whether not to briefly include runner-ups, but most were more subpar than terrible, such as “The Lazarus Effect“- which might’ve been dumb and forgettable, but at least was fast paced and short.


12) Tomorrowland– I was somewhat hesitant to include this, as I do admire effort and creativity, both of which can be found within “Tomorrowland“. But I spent the majority of my viewing experience bored, which was converted into annoyance once I started actually thinking about it. While I liked some of the visuals, I found the CGI to almost always look like CGI, so struggled with immersing myself into this world. The pacing is AGONIZINGLY slow, primarily because “Tomorrowland” feels like a two hour first act, with almost the entire runningtime being dedicated to explanations and setting up this world. That should be mostly out of the way by the 30 minute mark and the climax should not feel like the beginning of a real adventure. Yet despite its bloated running-time, I still felt like a lot had to have been removed during the editing process, as I found important motivations to be vague and certain subplots confusing. I needed more explanations in a movie with too much explaining and that is not a sign of a compelling narrative. Furthermore, the moral of the story might be well intentioned, but it’s also misguided. The Heroine is ‘special’ and she’s supposed to be an audience surrogate, but this loses all meaning because she’s shown to be practically a genius. I could not relate to her and would scoff whenever she’d insist she’s not special. She also might be a sociopath, as she lit a persons tractor ON FIRE, turns it on and directs it towards his house so that she could sneak in and kick him out! Her goal? She wants to continue her escapist fantasies at Tomorrowland and her victim is the only one who can help her do so. Meanwhile, the villain isn’t particularly evil as much as he’s just kind of apathetic and prudish, so it’s hard to cheer when he ‘gets his’. Also, apparently we’re supposed to accept that robot lives matter in the end, even though we’ve spent the entire movie watching them get destroyed in comical and over-the-top ways. What else is there? Apparently every post apocalyptic, dystopian and dark story comes from a machine in Tomorrowland that produces prophecies of the future. I guess creativity is artificial, which is enforced by George Clooney’s character only succeeding as an inventor because a robot in Tomorrowland repaired his failed creation. The real message is “Go to Disneyland and visit Tomorrowland, because that is the source of all your success.” My message is “Don’t watch “Tomorrowland”, because this movie sucks”.


11) Survivor: I was also very reluctant to include this, but for entirely different reasons. “Tomorrowland” pisses me off, but at least it tried to be something special. I can’t remember ANYTHING about “Survivor“, other than it stars Pierce Brosnan and Milla Jovovich. Even though I only watched it about a month ago, I have forgotten the story, anything that happens within it and why I disliked the movie. I can only remember that I disliked it and watched it…1 month ago…When your memory excretes nearly every trace of what you watched within a short time period, then spend your time doing something else. EVERY movie should have at least one defining attribute that stays with you for awhile, even if it’s a negative quality. I hate wasting my life on crap that’s so stale you can’t even remember the badness.


10) Attack on Titan: Part 1 and Part 2– Adapting the popular manga of the same name was always going to be a difficult challenge, even if the live action movie had the massive budget that it would require. I expected crappy special effects, which both “Attack on Titan” movies enthusiastically gave me, but I was taken aback at the trainwreck of a script. “Part 1” took too many liberties with the manga, at times even seemingly going out of its way to spite the fanbase, while sharing enough similarities that it only draws more attention towards the (awful) changes. So manga/anime fans won’t be happy, while the details are too confusing for newcomers. “Part 2” completely breaks away from its source material, which I’m fine with, but somehow has a sloppier narrative with some of the most laughable plot holes witnessed in film. The finale has the gigantic antagonist trying to stop the heroes from plugging up a hole, even though he had created said hole with a simple kick and should be able to make many more. Even as its own entity, the way these movies reveal information about the characters, plot and setting was lazy, usually only bringing something up right before it’s about to become relevant. There isn’t enough foreshadowing to major revelations (Eren being a Titan) and when they do foreshadow important revelations, there is never any pay-off to the build up (Eren having a brother). Above everything though, I could not take either of these movies seriously thanks to the laughable effects, the clumsy writing, the overly dramatic dialogue and hammy acting styles, even though both parts are too grim, violent and depressing to be enjoyed for ironic reasons. I included both parts because they are equally terrible, albeit for different reasons and function as horrible halves to an equally horrible whole. I will concede that the audience in my theater were a lot of fun and kept me from falling asleep.


9) The Green Inferno– Eli Roth made his directorial debut back in 2002 and thirteen years later, he still cannot grasp the concept of ‘tone’. One moment, the audience are gasping and cringing at the sight of one of the grisliest and nastiest murders to grace the big screen in years and the next moment, they are (supposed) to be laughing at a highly inappropriate joke. Just as we aren’t sure what Eli Roth wants us to feel, we also aren’t sure whom we’re supposed to root for. Annoying, hypocritical, self righteous assholes or bloodthirsty (literally), monstrous cannibals? As the cast spends nearly the entire movie in a f@cking cage, the films admittedly stylish visual appeal began to wear off and I started to get bored. The repetitive narrative- escape due to stupid writing, get caught due to stupid writing, get placed back in cage as someone dies and repeat- did not help speed up the sluggish pacing. If anything, the positive attributes (the striking use of color, creepy costume designs) only make the entire experience more aggravating, as they deserve to be in a much cooler movie. I also believe that while Roth is an enthusiastic fan of the Amazonian Cannibal subgenre (from Italy), he doesn’t really understand them very well, although this is a minor point.


8) Unfriended– The inclusion and placement of this Skype Footage horror flick might surprise you, as I initially gave it a passable rating and said: ““Unfriended” didn’t piss me off and was sometimes even fun, but it’s not scary or especially smart“. I would eat these words upon my second viewing and I’ve come to the conclusion that the uniqueness of the gimmick caught my attention more than the crappy writing. This amuses me because I didn’t even particularly like the Skype idea, as it drastically limits the potential for scares, but conceded that it gave “Unfriended” its identity. Unfortunately, that is all this turd has going for it, as it’s impossible to sympathize with any of the characters and the script is so freaking dumb. Who would use Chat Roulette to call the cops? Screaming at the top of your lungs would likely achieve a better result and wouldn’t have screwed up the tone, although I guess they really needed that product placement…and it’s not like the tone hadn’t already been shattered in a million pieces by then. Too comical to be scary. Too serious to be funny. But I will give credit to the filmmakers for conning the masses into thinking it was better than it really was by drawing all of our attention to the gimmick, which overshadows the rest of the movie…At least for awhile…


  • Absolution– It’s a ‘direct-to-DVD’ Steven Seagal movie…Nuff said…


7) The Vatican Tapes– Are they still making these generic exorcism flicks? “The Vatican Tapes” checks off every cliche to be found within every exorcism flick ever made, even when it does NOTHING with them. We’ve seen these character backgrounds, relationship dynamics and plot points before, but usually they are introduced and promptly forgotten. The bright visual style only softens the attempts to frighten us, although because the filmmakers are recycling scare tactics from every other exorcism flick ever made, I doubt a grittier look would’ve helped things too much. But what is worse than boring blandness? Having a handful of compelling ideas and reducing them into…*sigh*…single sentences. The tragic thing about “The Vatican Tapes” is that there was a lot of potential here, that was presumably stripped by studio agents in order to make the project more marketable- hence, the genericness.


6) Paranormal Activity: The Ghost Dimension– Are they still making these generic exorcism flicks? Why does this sentence sound so familiar? The ‘Paranormal Activity’ franchise had begun to grow stale- presuming they ever weren’t, so the filmmakers chose to finish the story by…rehashing the same shit that we have now seen like five times before (not counting every rip-off), not explaining anything, making us ask more questions and revealing that the antagonist is…”Mama“?…There are a lot of jump scares, most of which are telegraphed and the characters are so bland that you don’t really fear for them. Where is the suspense? Where is the atmosphere? The franchise used to contain these necessary elements, but now it just seems Oren Peli and his selected directors have no idea what to do with these movies anymore and just want to cash in those hefty paychecks. The final nail in the coffin is an abysmal, laughable third act that tries way too hard to force 3D down our throats and it feels so out of place. This was a horrible way to end such an important and influential franchise, although the filmmakers have dropped the ball too many times for me to desire a continuation. Ugh…and to think that I once liked these movies!


5) The Woman in Black 2: Angel of Death– The problem with this movie is that “The Woman in Black” didn’t provide a lot of room for a sequel to develop. By the time that flick ended, we already knew all of the titular villains motivations, her back-story, her abilities and her appearance, so what else can be done with her for the second one? Apparently nothing, as the protagonists spend the FIRST HALF of this sequel solving a mystery that was…already solve in the first one…BUT it’s predecessor did have some excellent production value, showing off an excellent location that was used to build tension and atmosphere, so the sequel can…have no tension, no atmosphere and probably was not even filmed in the same location…Yawn…But the first one had some pretty spectacular horror set pieces, so obviously the sequel must have…jump scares…and more jump scares…just like every modern day horror flick…oi, well at least the interiors of the manor in “The Woman in Black” were stunning to behold, so “The Woman in Black 2” should at least have…it take place 40 years later, meaning that the manor has deteriorated into something…resembling every f@cking haunted house to ever appear in film. So what differentiates this from the rest of the pack? Um…it’s name? Worthless, worthless horror movie.


4) Taken 3– How do you make an action movie starring Liam Neeson so boring? HOW DO YOU MAKE AN ACTION MOVIE STARRING LIAM NEESON SO BORING?! The story is boring, because the narrative is brought down by copious amounts of filler and predictability. The action is boring because the choreography, cinematography, editing and direction have absolutely no style or energy, with the visuals being murky and unpleasant, but not in an artistic kind of way. Liam Neeson looks so bored that it must’ve become contagious and infected the rest of the cast and crew, with the epidemic spreading towards the audience, before eventually becoming a global crises that consumes all of humanity. F@ck you, “Taken 3“. You’re boringness caused the apocalypse.


3) Terminator: Genisys– The funny thing about this placement within the list is that on a technical level, “Terminator: Gensys” isn’t horrible. None of the action set pieces really stand out as memorable, while there isn’t any real tension or atmosphere…but at worst, I’d say it’s more mediocre than awful…so why is it here? BECAUSE IT PISSED ME THE F@CK OFF, so I have to piss on it in retribution. *sucks in breath* This stupidf@ckingmovieisfilledwithsomanydamnplotholeswhichisinexcusableconsideringthegiganticamountoftimededicatedtoexplainingthe detailsofthisstupidplot,probablynothelpedbytherelianceondensescientificjargon.Thewritersseemtothinkthatlampshadingtheseproblemsis enoughtocoverthemupwhenalltheydoisdrawattentiontothecrappywriting- and okay, it turns out that I can’t hold my breath this long while deleting all of the spaces between words, so I’m going to stop that now. If John and Sarah did not have sex in the 1980’s, how can John Connor ever have existed? Doesn’t this imply that if Skynet was successful in the previous movies, then nothing would have changed, making all of the time travel completely pointless? “Terminator Genysis” is one of those nostalgia fueled projects, designed to remind us of the coolness within “Terminator” and “Terminator 2“, instead of just providing its own kind of coolness. Yet even worse, it doesn’t seem to understand why those movies work. How can I feel suspense if the characters never seem afraid and instead, are making corny quips in order to make the audience laugh? Why should I care that the filmmakers took special care to recreate Kyle Reese’s SHOES when the character acts nothing like his original characterization? Did they intend for Kyle and John’s relationship to come across as so homo-erotic? Did anyone want to see John Connor become a villain? I wouldn’t have minded, but you’d think at least his Mom would have an emotional reaction to this. The action scenes- which should be gritty and intense- instead borrow a lot from the Marvel Movie trend, except this one relies on erratic editing, murky lighting, claustrophobic camerawork and unconvincing special effects, so I couldn’t enjoy those either. Ugh F@CK YOU MOVIE!!!!!


2) Fantastic Four– This movie pulled out a knife, held it to my throat, and threatened to put me asleep if I didn’t give it my money. Even though I complied, this f@cker put me to sleep anyway. “Fantastic Four” didn’t make me angry, because there’s just something so…sad about it…Who thought it was a good idea to take one of the campier comic books and adapt it into a bleak, joyless movie. It was depressing and yet, I felt completely emotionally detached from the actual content. The characters always seem withdrawn and sad, yet they barely react when their friends and loved ones apparently die! There is no chemistry amongst the cast, something that even the infamous Tim Story adaptation got right. Strangely, the film only gains a mild sense of humor and an even milder feeling of triumph after A LOT of people have perished, thanks to the protagonists colossal blunders. The one time that things SHOULD BE BLEAK AND SAD and the tone finally becomes more uplifting, albeit in a very unenthusiastic kind of way. The visual style is incredibly unappealing and it’s also inconsistent due to the obvious re-shoots. It’s far too slow for a comic book movie, as it seems like the Fantastic Four only get their powers after the half way point and the action doesn’t begin until the sloppy third act. You can tell that “Fantastic Four” suffered from a troubled production and it shows on-screen. The movie is more boring than offensive though and I was more exhausted than angry by the time it was over. But who wants to be bored? I might’ve hated “Terminator: Genisys“, maybe even moreso than this, but I can see why people might be tricked into liking it. Almost every movie on this list at least had a spark of inspiration, or at least you can see the studios rubbing their hands greedily as they anticipated making their soulless product. “Fantastic Four” looks, sounds and smells like a movie that no one wanted to make and were probably miserable in doing so- much like those who were unfortunate to watch it.

But what could be worse than “Fantastic Four” and all of the above? What could earn my #1 spot on the shit list?


1) The Transporter 4: Refueled– Bad scripts and action films must be happily married, as one always seems to be accompanying the other. I can enjoy a badly written action flick IF the spectacle on display catches my attention and distracts me from the weak script. The fight scenes in “Transporter 4: Refueled” did provide a distraction from the awful writing, but only because the hand-to-hand choreography was insanely terrible. I always felt like I was watching a rehearsal, as the movements are slow, telegraphed and it never seemed like any of the hits were connecting- not helped by the soft sound effects. I was genuinely embarrassed for everyone involved, as this is inexcusable for a theatrically released, reasonably budgeted movie. Even “Fantastic Four” and “Terminator: Genisys” had moments of competency in this area! Ed Skrein is no Jason Statham and looks like he’s never been in a fist fight in his life, but in his defense, the script is constantly belittling and emasculating the character. He’s constantly being outsmarted and outbantered by seemingly EVERYONE he encounters. He’s never in control of the situation in contrast to the previous incarnations of the character, but the villains and supporting cast all make so many stupid decisions, so it wasn’t like the difficulty level had increased…He just now seems like an incompetent protagonist! The supporting cast of women are so interchangeable to the point where I was often confused as to who was who. The character writing seems designed to make me hate everyone, as no one acts like they care about collateral damage (how many innocents died in these car chases?) and have smug demeanor’s throughout all of their morally dubious actions (including their wanton destruction; and yet we’re supposed to sympathize with them). The Father is apparently in a relationship with a girl who is critically wounded, but that doesn’t stop him from having a threesome with her lesbian friends (!!)- which is supposed to be charming, by the way. The script is full of idiotic inconsistencies, such as the aforementioned wounded woman being close to death one day, but the next is swimming and strangling people (after being shot AGAIN) without showing any sign of injury. With most of the previous entries on this list, most of the damning flaws were overarching, but “Transporter 4” is worse because it seems like every scene has some sort of f@ck up. This franchise should just die now. Even if Statham returned, I wouldn’t care because the character has been devoured in a sea of crap, produced by “Transporter 4: Out of Gas“.

Amusingly though, there was a direct-to-DVD flick that is EVEN WORSE THAN MY #1 entry.


  • The Scorpion King 4: Quest For Power (2015)– In a lot of ways, the suckitude on display here parallels “Transporter 4“, in that the fight scenes are incredibly phony and the character writing seems designed to make everyone very unsympathetic. The difference is that the sound effects are more over-the-top and…*sigh*…”The Scorpion King 4” is trying to be funny. Most of the humor is delivered with way too much enthusiasm considering how unoriginal these lines are, but it’s so excessive to the point of claustrophobia. I felt trapped by the annoying attempts at comedy! Also, the editing and cinematography suck so intensely that I found myself wondering if I was a little harsh on every entry within this list! The fight scenes are never captured with a coherent camera angle and the continuity errors seem to have so much screen-time that they could’ve been the protagonist. Rutger Hauer, Barry Bostwick, Michael Biehn, Don ‘the Dragon’ Wilson, Lou Ferrigno and M. Emmet Walsh all have small roles and they all look embarrassed. Think about that…Rutger Hauer seems to be ashamed of himself for accepting a role in this movie…Finally, if you think the Transporter was emasculated in his fourth outing, “The Scorpion King 4” has its titular character put on a dress at one point…yeah…

What is with crappy movies in 2015 and the number “4”? Although I have noticed that nearly every entry is a sequel of some sort. To be honest though, as bad as these movies are, none really made me question how I’m living my life. 2014 had “Left Behind” sexually assault theaters, while “Tekken 2: Kazuya’s Revenge” molested the realm of ‘direct-to-DVD’ and both of these films were worse than “Transporter 4” and “The Scorpion King 4“. 2013 had “Grown Ups 2“, which DID make me question how I was living my life and I haven’t been able to bring myself to endure Adam Sandler since then. Nothing from 2015- that I’ve seen, anyway- went beneath the 1-star rating…so…yay? The year produced a lot of shit though, even if the smell didn’t necessarily infiltrate the rest of the house. I hope you enjoyed this list…I need to breathe a sigh of relief now and experience the latest cinematic adventures…Aw crap, it’s January and more than likely, some of these releases will end up on my next ‘Worst of’ List. By the way, as for the story of the ‘Hateful Eight movies that I actually loved’, the day was saved by a little known release called “Predestination“…which only wasn’t on my list because I had forgotten about it. It’s a a disturbing, unconventional, thought provoking and very daring drama/thriller that deserves your attention. It slayed “Paul Blart 2” and the ‘Hateful Eight movies that I actually loved‘ added a new member into their group.