HANSEL AND GRETEL: WITCH HUNTERS (2013)

(Directed by Tommy Wirkola)

(Written by Dante Harper and Tommy Wirkola)

(Starring Jeremy Renner, Gemma Arterton and Famke Janssen)

Plot: Hansel (Jeremy Renner) and Gretel (Gemma Arterton) are bounty hunters who specialize in tracking witches. They are hired to rescue the children of an isolated town, but discover that the witches have a plan that might be too much for them.

Review:

“Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters” is one of those movies which boasts a concept that is simultaneously awesome and retarded. If anything, it’s an even more bizarre scenario than “Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter”. Why? Because “Hansel and Gretel” is a children’s story. “Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters” goes even farther than other ‘darker’ adaptations like “Snow White and the Huntsman” in that it is a Hard R. Yes, this (loose) adaptation/sequel to the original story has epic gore and even nudity. Now listen carefully to what I have to say: If you think the premise seems too silly, you will not like “Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters”. If like me, you can’t help but squeal at the idea, then you should like “Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters“. It offers exactly what the title promises. Nothing more. Nothing less.

I’ve been sitting at my key-board for like four hours, trying to decide how to approach this review. I’m pretty sure the above paragraph summed up my feelings, but I obviously have to say…something substantial. Hansel and Gretel grow up to be Jeremy Renner and Gemma Arterton, who use anachronistic weapons, drop F-bombs and slay witches in over-the-top and gory ways. How is that not the greatest thing ever? Well, I suppose I could point out that the story is rather predictable. I saw the twists coming from four miles away, like how I expected a certain person to be a ‘witch’ just from the trailers. I can also complain about the characterizations, which are underdeveloped and conventional. The relationships are rather shallow too, especially when it came to the romance. I also felt that the plot became a little convoluted by the end of the movie…So okay, it’s not the greatest thing ever. But it has Jeremy Renner and Gemma Arterton playing Hansel and Gretel, who use anachronistic weapons, drop F-bombs and slay witches in over-the-top and gory ways. Ask yourself, did “Zero Dark Thirty” and “Silver Linings Playbook” have any of that? No, they didn’t and those undead-Nazi’s at the Oscar’s won’t even consider “Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters” as a nomination for best picture in 2013. It is an unfair world.

What else can I say? it has Jeremy Renner and Gemma Arterton playing Hansel and Gretel, who use anachronistic weapons, drop F-bombs and slay witches in over-the-top and gory ways A LOT. People are always dying like mad crazy on the screen and the action is plentiful. “Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters” isn’t a very long movie and while it’s not perfectly paced, there isn’t a lot of anything that isn’t “Jeremy Renner and Gemma Arterton playing Hansel and Gretel, using anachronistic weapons, dropping F-bombs and slaying witches in over-the-top and gory ways“. I did take issue with the redundancy, like how many times do we need to see Hansel get KO’ed and Gretel get captured? But every time I found myself internally complaining, Jeremy Renner and Gemma Arterton would play Hansel and Gretal, use anachronistic weapons, drop F-bombs or slay witches in over-the-top and gory ways. None of the faults are especially damning. At worst, the movie almost feels like it HAS to have certain cliches. But these are mixed with some clever stuff too, like the ‘injection’ idea and funny dialogue. The director had previously helmed “Dead Snow“, which was also pretty fun, but I didn’t like how it was making fun of the conventions that it was guilty of. That level of self awareness is just lazy, but “Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters” doesn’t resort to that. It’s not taking itself very seriously, but it doesn’t descend into parody either. It blended the humor with the action rather well and I was constantly laughing. The actors are all having a blast too, which is always nice.

The action sometimes moves a bit too fast, but I thought it was exciting and fun. I like how there are actual practical effects along with the CGI and they blend together rather seamlessly. I thought the Witch’s ‘magic’ contrasted nicely with the Witch Hunter’s more scientific means of combat, so the battles were pretty dynamic. But what really made it work was the use of 3-D. Weapons, debris and gore constantly seemed to be zipping through the screen, making me flinch like mad crazy. It is, without a doubt, the best use of that more gimmicky 3-D that I have ever seen. I’m pretty sure the 3-D was better than the movie itself. So it has Jeremy Renner and Gemma Arterton playing Hansel and Gretel, using anachronistic weapons, dropping F-bombs and slaying witches in over-the-top and gory ways IN THE THIRD F@CKING DIMENSION! Yay! So this is my advice. Consider why I liked it and decide whether or not you think “Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters” is for you. If so, if you like your 3-D to come at you from the screen, watch it in 3-D. I enjoyed myself greatly, but this is my cup of tea. It’s just a question if we share the same tastes.

Violence: Rated R.

Nudity: Some.

Overall: Did I mention that it has Jeremy Renner and Gemma Arterton playing Hansel and Gretel, who use anachronistic weapons, drop F-bombs and slay witches in over-the-top and gory ways? If not, it has Jeremy Renner and Gemma Arterton playing Hansel and Gretel, who use anachronistic weapons, drop F-bombs and slay witches in over-the-top and gory ways. Take that as you will.

Rating: 2.5/4