GUIDELINES TO NOT SUCKING AT VIDEO REVIEWING
Who is the Creepy Bald Guy? MartialHorror, the Creepy Bald Guy, is a fictional character who began as a trend jumper and ended up being a more satirical take on other reviewers. He tries to exaggerate and be funny, but generally fails so masks his shortcomings by pretending to be intelligent and articulate. But in reality, he can’t talk the American speak very good and often has no idea what he’s talking about. His primary traits is that he threatens people with death using his box cutter- even though he’s a scared little girl- and he talks to his toys because he has no friends.
He presumably has schizophrenia, arguing with the narrator of his videos (himself), the editor of his videos (himself) and sometimes with himself from the past. When he reviews a reviewer whom he respects (is jealous of), he becomes green with envy and desires to wear their skin as his own. He also is insecure about his baldness. His number one dream is to shave the hair of the Cinema Snob and wear it, along with the skin of the Nostalgia Critic. He also has delusions of removing the Movie Preview Critic’s brain and using it has his own, but he has yet to figure out that this is impossible.
But the Creepy Bald Guy does not often make himself known too much. His best trait is that he realizes no one likes trends and knows that people will believe that his real self is just a persona, so pretends to be normal, which is his actual persona. REVIEWCEPTION!
CRITIQUING THE CRITICS
“Critiquing the Critics” is probably what I am mostly known for. It is a webshow where I discuss, analyze and maybe even satirize other video reviewers. I will review famous reviewers, good reviews, obscure reviewers and even bad reviewers. But it is all relative so you don’t have to agree with me. One of the main themes I stress is that I am not here to peddle my opinions, but instead wish to help you decide whether or not a reviewer is for you.
In order to do this, I have a rating system but my ratings are not set in stone. I consider any kind of rating system to merely be a tool for solidifying my opinion. Don’t put too much emphasis on it.
0/4 Stars: There is no reason to watch this reviewer. You can’t see or hear them very clearly, what they are saying is unintelligible and lacks substance. The jokes fail and they are just boring.
0.5/4 Stars: Same as the above, but generally they have one trait that is tolerable. Example, maybe you can see or hear them, but the production values are still shoddy. Otherwise, they are unwatchable.
1/4 Stars: The most common kind of badness. As with the above, their videos are poorly produced, the jokes/criticisms poorly thought out and they themselves are rather boring. But perhaps they are tolerable in a few areas.
1.5/4 Stars: This can mean either ‘below average’ or ‘bad, but with a few redeeming qualities’. Maybe their jokes/criticisms suck, but they have nice production values? Maybe they themselves aren’t boring, but the writing/producing is bad? Regardless, it’s still epic fail.
2/4 Stars: Mediocre, wildly uneven, you MIGHT like them if you like the style/subject/format enough.
2.5/4 Stars: Above average, decent, you should probably give them a look if you like the style/subject/format.
3/4 Stars: Good, you definitely should watch them if you like the style/subject/format.
3.5/4 Stars: Everyone should probably give them a look. They are great at what they do and can be enjoyed by the masses.
4/4 Stars: Everyone needs to watch them. I would recommend them to everyone.
Obviously there will be holes in the system and you will disagree from time to time, but I only wish for you to think for yourselves. I am not anyone’s mouthpiece. Well, except my own…
The Reviewer Triforce (formerly known as the Reviewer Breakdown):
(an example of a reviewer whose primary focus is critiquing)
The Reviewer Triforce is designed to simplify how I approach a reviewer. The three elements a reviewer can focus on are Critiquing, Humor and Technicals (production values). A reviewers success comes down to what they wish to focus on the most (one of those three) and how well they execute it. They all surround the reviewer, who hopefully acts as the glue to the reviews.
CRITIQUING THE CRITICS EPISODES
Season 1: My big debut contains the most humor oriented reviews, but the editing is choppy, my delivery is awkward and my jokes/points are uneven. Still, many people prefer these videos so I hope you enjoy.
Critiquing the Critics #1: “The Nostalgia Critic” review.
Critiquing the Critics #2: “The Cinema Snob” review.
Critiquing the Critics #3: “Gendude89” review.
Critiquing the Critics #4: “The Angry Video Game Nerd” review.
Note: This video became obsolete with my ‘re-review’ of him.
Critiquing the Critics #5: “The Reviewer Reviewer” review.
Critiquing the Critics #5.2: “The Reviewer Reviewer” review part 2.
Critiquing the Critics #6: “The Irate Gamer“ review.
Note: This episode became obsolete with my re-review of the Irate Gamer.
Critiquing the Critics #7: “The Nostalgia Chick” review.
Critiquing the Critics #8: “Moronic Mark” review.
Critiquing the Critics #9: “The Movie Preview Critic” review.
Critiquing the Critics #10: “IG Neo” review.
Critiquing the Critics #11: “MartialHorror” review.
Critiquing the Critics: “Season 1” recap.
Season 2: It sort of bridges Season 1 and Season 3, as I still do rely on bizarre gags, but not as much as before. Now I’m becoming more interested in critiquing.
Critiquing the Critics #12: “Big Smile Reviews” review.
Critiquing the Critics #13: “MarzGurl” review.
Critiquing the Critics #14: “Reader of Everything” review.
Critiquing the Critics #15: “The Happy Video Game Nerd” review.
Critiquing the Critics #16: “Guru Larry” review.
Critiquing the Critics #17: “Little Miss Gamer” review.
Critiquing the Critics #18: “Benzaie (GYMDK)” review.
Critiquing the Critics #19: “Beyond the Trailer” review
Critiquing the Critics #20: “Tacolad07” review.
Critiquing the Critics #21: “Familiar Faces (CR)” review.
Critiquing the Critics #22: “The BLACKbuster Critic” review.
Critiquing the Critics #23: “Sootch00” review.
Critiquing the Critics: “Season 2” recap.
Season 3: This is (so far) my best season as pretty much everything as improved. My production values are more tolerable and I have a firmer grasp of my strengths and weaknesses.
Critiquing the Critics #24: “Angry Joe” review.
Critiquing the Critics #25: “Shitcase Cinema” review.
Critiquing the Critics #26: “Vaulting” review.
Critiquing the Critics #26.2: “Vaulting” review part 2.
Critiquing the Critics #27: “Nerd With Words” review.
Critiquing the Critics #28: “The Psychotic Video Game Nerd” review.
Critiquing the Critics #29: “Acorn Cinema” review.
Critiquing the Critics #30: “The Hackdown (Apollo Z Hack)” review
Critiquing the Critics #31: “A Reviewaverse Saga (Apollo Z Hack)” review.
Critiquing the Critics #32: “Hewy Toonmore” review.
Critiquing the Critics #33: “Spazzmaster’s (Insert Title Here) reviews” review.
Critiquing the Critics #34: “SomecallmeJohnny (The Super Gaming Bros)” review.
Critiquing the Critics #35: “Bad Movie Beatdown (Film Brain)” review.
Critiquing the Critics #36: “The Gay Comic Geek” review.
Critiquing the Critics #37: “General Lotz” review.
Critiquing the Critics #38: “Coolduder” review.
Critiquing the Critics #39: “Phelous” review.
Critiquing the Critics #40: “Unlicensed Garbage” review
Critiquing the Critics #41: “Mr G Movie Reviews” review.
Critiquing the Critics #42: “The Spill Crew” review.
Critiquing the Critics #43: “Cover Art Fail (Blee427)” review.
Critiquing the Critics #44: “The Spoony Experiment Part 1” review- Preparing for Penetration!
Critiquing the Critics #44.2: “The Spoony Experiment Part 2” review- Consummating our Opinions!
Critiquing the Critics: “Season 3” recap.
Critiquing the Critics #45: “JesuOtaku” review.
Critiquing the Critics #46: “WiiViewer” review.
Critiquing the Critics #47: “Schmoes Know” review.
Critiquing the Critics #48: “REDGUY2764” review.
Critiquing the Critics #49: “SF Debris” review- The Zombie Sushi edition.
Critiquing the Critics #50: “Pen N’ Paper Corner (Iron Liz)” review.
Critiquing the Critics #51: “Zenith will Review” review.
Re-Reviews: Season 1 is full of reviews that I am not particularly proud of. Sometimes its in content, sometimes the technicals and sometimes I just think I could’ve done better. Or maybe I just want to use The Reviewer Triforce. I often have a “theme” in these videos (ex; is The Irate Gamer becoming a self parody). This reviews OFFICIALLY replace the originals.
Re-Review #1: “Is the IRATE Gamer Becoming a Self Parody?“.
Re-Review #2: “The Angry Video Game Nerd: Past and Present” part 1.
Re-Review #2.2: “The Angry Video Game Nerd: Past and Present” part 2.
Re-Review #2.3: “The Angry Video Game Nerd: Past and Present” part 3.
The QUICKIES: Sometimes a reviewer changes, improves, worsens, etc. But I don’t necessarily have to re-review them. These videos are merely updates, short and sweet.
Critiquing the Critics QUICKIE #1: “The Happy Video Game Nerd“.
Critiquing the Critics QUICKIE #2: “The Movie Preview Critic“.
Critiquing the Critics QUICKIE #3: “Johnny Vs the World (SomecallmeJohnny)“.
GUIDELINES TO NOT SUCKING AT VIDEO REVIEWING
I noticed that I tend to preach the same messages over and over again in my reviews and this is for a few reasons. For one, I have a horrendous memory and I have a distinct fear that I’m accidentally going to just recycle my work. The second is that Video Reviewing is surprisingly formulaic and reviewers tend to overlook key traits that make a great video critic and make many of the same mistakes. Eventually it occurred to me that I could make videos chronicling mistakes and overlooked strengths. Furthermore, I could help novice reviewers with issues that they might not know much about. Why am I qualified to do this? I’ve made the majority of mistakes. It was a learning process for me that did NOT come natural. My earlier videos are pretty rough and dry, but my recent ones are intended to be more humorous.
Episode 1: “Your Subject“.
– We all have to start somewhere. What are you going to review?
Episode 2: “Your Priorities“.
– What is the tone of your reviews? Are you going to be a comedic reviewer? An informative reviewer?
Episode 3: “Your Selling Point“.
– Why should people watch you? Strangely, this is my most watched ‘Guidelines’ episode.
Episode 4: “Scripting“.
– Here I explain why I believe you should script your videos.
Episode 5: “Writing Tips“.
– Some important tips that will improve the writing of your reviews.
Episode 6: “Humor and Semen“.
– I discuss Humor and Semen. Uh oh, somebody is being weird.
Episode 6.2: “Humor and Semen” Part 2.
– I continue to discuss humor and semen. I regret splitting this video in two. I was being lazy and greedy.
KICKASS OF AWESOME
This part time webshow is dedicated to movie’s of various quality that happen to have exceptional martial arts choreography. Until recently, these were v-logs but now I’ve tightened the format by scripting them. In every case, I should’ve done a written review of each of these movies, so check those out in the “Martial Arts Movie Review” page.
Episode 1: “Ong Bak 2 (2008)”
-Tony Jaa’s anticipated sequel that apparently drove him insane.
Episode 2: “Last Hurrah for Chivalry (1979)”
– A John Woo kung fi film!
Episode 3: “Chocolate (2008)”
-From the filmmakers who brought us “Ong Bak”!
Episode 4: “Undisputed II: Last Man Standing (2006)”
– The epic DIRECT-TO-DVD sequel to a mediocre movie.
Episode 5: “Yip Man 2 (2010)”
– The sequel to the Donnie Yen classic.
Episode 6: “High-Kick Girl (2009)”
– A silly but badass karate film.
Episode 7: “The Magic Blade (1976)” and “G.I Samurai (1979)“
– A double feature, covering films of Ti Lung and Sonny Chiba.
Episode 8: “Ong Bak 3 (2010)”
– The third and final (?) of the “Ong Bak” saga.
Episode 9: “Way of the Dragon (1972)”
– Bruce Lee Vs Chuck Norris!
Episode 10: “I Saw the Devil (2010)”
– A brutal, sadistic thriller with kickass (of awesome) fight scenes!
Episode 11: “Legend of the Fist: The Return of Chen Zhen (2010)”
– An ambitious (albeit confused) Donnie Yen actioner!
Episode 12: “Drunken Master (1978)” and “Drunken Master II (1994)”
– Two of my favorite Jackie Chan movies!
Episode 13: “Opium and the Kung Fu Master (1984)”
– A superb kung fu film starring Ti Lung.
Episode 14: “Raging Phoenix (2009)”
– Another actioner starring Yanin “Jeeja” Vismitananda (“Chocolate”).
Episode 15: “Mini Reviews”
– Includes reviews of “13 Assassins”, “Little Big Soldier”, “Blood of the Ninja”, “True Legend” and “Merantau”.
NEW STYLE: The following episodes are examples of the new format.
Episode 16: “Tiger and Crane Fists (1976)”
– The surprisingly fun film that would become known to the masses as “Kung Pow”.
Episode 17: “Bodyguards and Assassins (2009)”
– It’s pretty mediocre, but the fight scenes are pretty hardcore when Donnie Yen is involved!
Episode 18: “The Raid: Redemption (2011)”
– We revert to the old style of ‘Kickass of Awesome’ for this film, which is sheer awesomeness in a can.
Episode 19: “Dragons Forever (1988)”
– I will happily endure a sappy love story as long as it delivers what we want out of Jackie Chan, Sammo Hung and Yuen Biao.
Episode 20: “The Legend is Born: Ip Man (2010)”
– It might not be as good as the Donnie Yen features, but it’s better than it should be.
Episode 21: “Born to Fight”
– It might fail on almost every level dramatically, but it contains some of the best stuntwork that I’ve ever seen.
Episode 22: “The Shaolin Temple”
– Jet Li’s big cinematic debut is likely the best “Kickass of Awesome” I’ve ever produced.
Episode 23: “Man of Tai Chi”
– Is Keanu Reeves’ directorial debut Kickass? Of Awesome?
Episode 24: “General Stone”
–When a statue and a woman really like each-other, they make the hero of this bizarre kung fu flick.
CREEPY BALD GUY REVIEWS
This was my very first webshow, which is ultimately your typical caustic critic webshow. I review movies that drive me INSAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANE-r. Haha, I made up a word. My intent these days is to make it a light satire on caustic critic webshows in general.
Episode 1: “Shock (1977)” review (AKA: Beyond the Door II).
Episode 2: “A Cat in the Brain (1990)” review.
Episode 3: “Crazy Fat Ethel II (1987)” review (AKA: Criminally Insane 2).
Episode 4: “Attack Force (2006)” review.
Episode 5: “Nightmare City (1980)” and “Demons 3: The Ogre (1986)” review.
Episode 6: “One Hell of a Christmas (2002)” review.
Episode 7: “The Woodchipper Massacre (1988)” review.
Episode 8: “Day of the Dead 2: Contagium (2005)” review.
Episode 9: “Jaws 5: Cruel Jaws (1995)” review.
MartialHorror talks about his own reviews, giving behind-the-scenes information, bonus opinions and even some deleted scenes. However, these days I consider the webshow to be a little self indulgent and pointless, especially as I no longer have any notable deleted scenes. In the future, I plan on including other reviewing topics, such as theories, discussions and the psychology behind why we like or dislike reviews/why I chose to do a review a certain way.
Episode 1: “Shock and the Nostalgia Critic“.
Episode 2: “A Cat in the Brain” and “The Cinema Snob“.
Episode 3: “Criminally Insane 2″ and “Gendude89”
Episode 4: “Attack Force” and “The Angry Video Game Nerd”
Episode 5: “The Irate Gamer”
Episode 6: “The Spoony Experiment”
Episode 7: “Angry Joe”
Episode 8: “Big Smile Reviews”
Episode 9: “MartialHorror”
Episode 10: “Kickassia” and the “TGWTG Year 1 Brawl”
Episode 11: “To Boldly Flee”
Episode 12: “The Cinema Snob Movie”
Episode 13: “Cover Art Fail! (Blee427)“.
TOP “NUMBER” LISTS
Because I like to go one step beyond the Nostalgia Critic! This is primarily just my “Top 12 favorite movies of the year” lists, along with my least favorite movies of the year . Some will be officially scripted videos and others will be closer to v-logs.
Episode 1: “Top 12 favorite movies of 2009”
Episode 2: “Worst Movies of 2009″ Part 1
Episode 2.2: “Worst Movies of 2009” Part 2
Episode 3: “Top 12 favorite movies of 2010”
Note- This video was edited but youtube wouldn’t let me put it up. I’m working on finding it.
Episode 4: “Worst Movies of 2010”
Episode 5: “Top 12 favorite movies of 2011”
Episode 6: “Worst Movies of 2011” (includes “Contraband” review)
Episode 7: “Top 12 Favorite Movies of 2012”
Episode 8: “Top 12 movies of 2012 that MARTIALHORROR WANTS TO CASTRATE”
VIDEOS FEATURING MARTIALHORROR
Reviewing reviewers is fun, but apparently reviewing reviewers who review other reviewers is even more entertaining. This section covers what videos MartialHorror appears in that don’t belong to him. Crossovers, cameos and even as the ‘reviewed’. If you know of any other videos that feature me in some way, please let me know. They don’t even have to be positive either!
–Videos about MartialHorror
1) The Reviewer Reviewer Reviews MartialHorror– Unfortunately, the Reviewer Reviewer is no longer on youtube, so the review is no longer available. However, clips of it can be found in my review of the Reviewer Reviewer, so check that out.
2) Reviewer Reviews: MartialHorror– Spazzmaster, my oldest youtube ally, actually began his ‘reviewer reviews’ webshow using me as the subject. Spazzy actually thought up the idea of reviewing other reviewers before me, even though my first episode was released before his. I actually cameo in this video.
3) A Review of a Reviewer Reviewer: MartialHorror– Robert Million also got the reviewer reviewer bug and tackled Spazzmaster, TheReviewerReviewer and myself in a three part episode.
4) MartialHorror: Reviewing a Reviewer of Reviewers– Hippyjonnycomics makes a video discussing me too! I sure get reviewed a lot!
5) Channel Reviews Episode 2: MartialHorror– ChannelreveiwerZ reviews whole channels and he decided to take on mine.
6) Reviewing a Reviewer #17- Some Like it Dumb: When martialHorror gave a positive review to Angry Joe, Asalieri (a much more popular reviewer reviewer) decided to do a negative review of Angry Joe. Note: I am not shown in an especially positive light, but it was an honor! Also watch “Part 2” of the video.
7) Networking Watchwaddle– Watchwaddle does animated shorts and spoofs, sometimes parodying other reviewers. This video has him referencing/spoofing multiple video reviewers, including ME!
9) The Golden Critic Awards– Robert Million and Shark Wayne host the GCA, which is sort of like the Oscars for Video Reviewers. While MartialHorror does not appear in the video, he was one of the judges. Also watch “Part 2” and “Part 3“.
10) Reviewer Reviews: NESNESMASTER– While I don’t appear in this video at all, the opening is a clear reference to me.
11) Top 10 Reviewers- I currently Watch (2012 edition)– A. ‘n’ Y. Ones Movies (another reviewer reviewer) includes the almighty creepy one in his list!
Cameos- Videos MartialHorror made a guest appearance in.
1) The Roast of Robert Million– For Rob’s birthday, a few other reviewers and myself got together to do a roast. But MartialHorror gets confused as to what a roast actually is! My video quality is pretty atrocious during my segment.
2) Reviewer Reviews: The Irate Gamer– Spazz Master reviews the notorious Irate Gamer. I naturally appear for an objection! (Note: I am not the big IG fan this video makes me out to be).
3) Special Review: Nixon and Hogan smoke Christmas– Diamanda Hagan’s 50th episode anniversary opens with me and a bunch of other reviewer nobodies plotting to take her out!
4) The Reviewer Report >> Episode 10: Spazz World– Spazzmaster takes over the reviewer report! I have a brief cameo. It’s literally one line, but somehow I ham it up!
Crossovers- MartialHorror shares a review with someone else.
1) Spazzmaster and MartialHorror reviews Robert Million– This was written and edited by Spazz Master, so it’s his video. But I review Rob with him.